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Thursday, 24 May 2007
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the last 24 hours of my life
I really haven't done any reflection on this matter. I'll be doing this blog entry on the spot. Every number corresponds to the chronological hour of my last 24 hours.
- my last 24 hours in this world would start as soon as I wake up.I'll thank God for the beautiful ahead of me. I'll take a shower and wear in a beautiful white dress. I'll make breakfast for my family, something which I'm not fond of doing and join them in eating. (TIME CHECK: 6am)
- I'll hear mass with all of them.
- Will bid farewell to my family then off I go to the people closest to my heart, starting from my grandparents and relatives. Each ladies will receive a sunflower while the gentlemen will receive a big hug from me and leave them a little white envelope.
- The first hour would be for my relatives in my dad's side and next one would be for my mom's side
- I'll go and see dames, my high school barkada, and just chat with them maybe inside a videoke bar. I'll also leave them a little white envelope.
- Next would be with my blockmates and friends in school. I'll give them my notes for our classes and just discuss things with them. a white envelope is slipped inside the notes.
- For the next couple of hours, I'll be spending it with my BLD family. The first hour would be a perfect lunch date with all of them. We'll eat until we're all full. (TIME CHECK: 12pm)
- The second hour would comprise of a short worship and a big sharing group, where I'll tell them how much they really mean to me. I'll be sharing my bible to the ministry, because I've grown to be God's humble handmaid through the ministry and my bible. I'll hand over a white envelope to my bld kada.
- This hour would be with one of the toughest because I'll try to reconcile and ask for pardon to all those whom I have offended. I'll be taking a lot tissue and just pray everything will go well. I'll give them a white envelope.
- I'll ask the person whom I love the most to accompany me for the next 3 hours.
- He'll teach me how to ride the bike, buy me flowers, and just make all those pa-cute things in front of me.
- Will go to the nearest beach in town, and just walk bare-footed along the seashore while holding hands. We don't have to talk for me to feel loved, because love can pass through our hands. And finally just sit there, give him the white envelope and wait for the sun to set.
- I'll be going to 2 stores to do some errands. (TIME CHECK 6pm) *
- I'll go home and eat dinner with my family and just chat with all of them especially with what happened to my whole day.
- Papa, Mama and I will bake cookies together just like how we always bond together. The shapes of the cookies will be a star, a car and a teddy bear.
- Baking takes about 2 hours, so for that two hours I will be showering my parents with acts of love.
- I'll then ask my sister to help me with my things, to just let go of all the things I have and put it in a box which is to be given to the less fortunate. and give her the white envelope.
- I'll bid farewell to my family for my 2 hour flight via jet to the nearest country, where snow exists.
- During the travel time, I'll start making "my thank you" list. Those blessings I've never known God has given me. (TIME CHECK 12am)
- I'll call back home to tell them that I arrive safely. I'll start calling over my love ones abroad.
- This time I'll be roaming around the streets of that country, and start mingling with other people.
- I'll go and look for a computer shop and just go online. Go over the sites I usually visit and then delete all of my accounts online.
- I'll find the best place where I can eat the cookies and share it to anyone who will be around the place. Next is I'll be praying to the Lord for the life he has given and just continue singing praise songs. *~ (TIME CHECK: 4am)
- I'll sleep peacefully in that place as soon as I felt the first ever snow on my face. (5am)
*~ The white envelope has a note inside it which tells them all the truth about my death, how much I love them and that they need to go to Fort Bonifacio open field because I have a present for all of them. That is to share to them one of the things that brings hope to me which is a fireworks display while on the background the song I recorded for them.
* The 2 stores I went to are the recording/mobile which played my song, and the fireworks shop.
~*~
While doing this, at some parts I was crying. Even though I know this is too idealistic, it is something that I know I really want to do if given the chance. In the past few years, I've been frustrated of myself. I still am, but not as I was before. The dilemma I am facing is that I feel like I don't have any purpose in life. That my life isn't really worth it. It is as if I'm living just for the sake of it. But then God really made a big change in my life. He revealed something to me. The person whom I want to be, the person who I really am.
" I love... not because of what this world could offer. I love... because it is the only thing I could offer this world.
I live to love."
- Rica Gran Flores
Sunday, 21 January 2007
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Nitro...
Last friday, was really memorable for me and my girls; dane and angel.
Our course-org, Ateneo Economics Association, celebrated its 45th anniversary this year.
So we had our party in C3 events places in Greenhills. The party started at around 8, but we arrived at the venue past 9. Outside the place were our "kuya and ates" in the org. The crowd is relatively in their casual clothes while I was wearing a, dress. What a little girl... hahaha! In the party, CADS performed. Jazz did dance that night. Well he asked me to dance, but I declined. I didn't know why. When our only boy, Aldy, came to join us in our table, angel and I, left them (aldy and dane) together. And at that time, we didn't know that someone will make a move on us. Well I forgot their names. As if I will remember them. But then, the guy who tried to pick me up was a graduate from La Salle-CSB. (I'm not sure whether he's telling the truth.)
Our conversation.
Him: "So do you dance?"
Me: "No. Sorry, I don't dance"
Him: "Oh, I don't dance either. I was planning to dance with someone who knows how to."
Me: "Ohh..."
* a long pause*
Him: " So you don't really want to LEARN how to dance?"
Me: "I said, I don't dance. If you could just excuse us. We need to go back to our table. Our friends are waiting for us. Nice meeting you."
Sheeshh!!! I find him okay for when he introduced himself. But he was of my height, (me wearing heels on), and by just doing those pick up lines. Too aggressive.
Well after telling him that I don't dance, my friends and I started dancing with Aldy on the dance floor. I will never forget Aldy's dance step. *laba, kusot, sampay* Hai Aldy, you are forgiven for such a bad number.Hahaha!!!
So after dancing less than an hour, we went back to our table to relax a bit. But little did I know that the incident I went through hours earlier will recur. The name, I don't know again. Not worth remembering. He said he's an Atenean, MIS-graduate 2 years ago. Okay, so I'm just a freshman. Hai, what a curse. Again the guy and I has the same height, and sorry to say, he's unattractive.
His first attempt:
Him:Do you want to take a seat?
*looks at the seat, where even half of my butt won't be able to sit on because of the small space. He was planning to seat beside me*
Me: No it's okay. You can take the seat.
Second Attempt:
Him: This party stinks. So do you plan to go to somewhere else?
Me: Nope. I'm staying here.
And our mighty saviour, ALDY, came to our table and asked us out.The guys who were talking to me and Dane backed off at mere sight of Aldy's height. Well angel really is our saviour, because if it wasn't for her, Aldy wouldn't have taken us away from those guys.
So we went outside. then took a walk in Greenhills. Hahaha! After telling the guy that I'm staying, I went to somewhere else. Hahaha!
I guess, that night wasn't really a good one. Since the party wasn't successful. Even though my eyes were set on this particular guy, who was during that time with his girlfriend. Funny because even though their positioned in a lovers' way. He was looking at me.*giggles* It's just that, even though I know he finds me pretty, he loves his girlfriend. And that is one thing I don't have. Hahaha. Don't worry, I'm okay with it.
The night wasn't over yet. Aldy drove us (dane and me) home. Dane was seating on the passenger seat. We ate at our place. Then had our little chitchats.
Dane was really happy, I knew it. Just by looking at how she smiles and how she's lost for words that time. They really make a good pair. But since Aldy's graduating this March. Farewell dreams of having ALDY_DANE fansclub.
Thank you angel and dane for making my night memorable. Even though it wasn't like how we expected it to be, I still enjoyed the party being with you guys. I love you both!
Wednesday, 17 January 2007
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Hopeless Romantic...
I received a text message from my cousin, Ate Val. It says,
"There is nothing wrong with being single. It's actually nice to be free.
I can stay out late every night. I can wear whatever I want.
I can just be my plain old self and the whole world sees that I can take care of myself.
But to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind having someone to walk home with me.
I wouldn't mind wanting to look good or trying to be better for someone.
I wouldn't mind letting someone hold me when I'm just too weak to go no.
It's nice to be free...
But I wouldn't mind being bound to someone who loves me."
Actually, that is how I feel right now. I've just finished watching Goong, a romantic-comedy korean series. The whole plot was so nice that I, even dream about myself, being one of the characters. Isn't that funny? Well I think it is. But I can't help it. All I can do is just fantasize. My mind is filled with illusions, that someday the right guy will come and just bring back the smile to my face. Someone who will love me for who I am. I've been to a lot. I had broken many hearts. Yet my heart had been broken many times as well. The only problem with me is that, I have these standards on who to love. Such standards I know no one could pass. A friend of mine once said to me, "why not modify your standards?". I guess she was right. I was blinded of those perfect couples, that I too want to have the same relationship they have. Mikka, another cousin of mine said, "Do not look for the perfect guy of every girl's dream. Rather wait for your own Mr. Right." I did like many guys who didn't pass my standards. The problem I am now facing is that, if I like a person so much, I tend to focus all my attentions to him and not look at those people willing to offer love to me. Yet, the truth that lies behind is . Even if I like the person so much, I end up getting hurt because the love I'm giving to the person cannot be reciprocated by him. I'm a really sucker, a big LOSER in this game. My cousins who are both of my age have their love ones now. They seem so happy with these persons they are with. I'm happy for them it's just that I can't relate to their feelings. Every night, I pray to Him. Always asking when is "he" coming. Maybe God is irritated on how I nag Him in my prayers. I'm such a hopeless romantic person. All I can do is just dream, dream, dream, just dream, and a little more of dreaming. People kept asking me why I still don't have any boyfriend. Well, not because I'm picky. It's just that no one seems to have enough courage to ask me. If he really likes me, he will pursue me. Looks like, no one wants to make a mistake in loving me. Right now, I'm in the process of healing. I'm not closing my doors to anyone because of what happened to me. I'm still young. I know he'll come. If you're reading this, please do come. I know that you'll be the angel God has been planning to give me. I will wait for you. I will.
Saturday, 06 January 2007
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Pissed Off
How could he be so inconsiderate? He asked me out, yet he didn't take the initiative to ask whether I'm coming or not. I was there already, hoping he would look for me. But unfortunately, he did not. He asked me where I am at around 6pm. 6 pm... out of courtesy, I just ended my game quickly and looked for him hoping we'll eat dinner together. But again, NO! When we saw him, he was just okay, have you eaten? And we were like, No? Well, he said he was done eating. At the back of my mind, at least he should have been a gentleman to accompany us and seat with us. For the -NTH time, the answer again is No, He didn't. He just let us go our way and eat dinner. How on earth could I not be angry with him? I am a busy person, I could have done so many thing during those commuting period. I could have finished a lot for my research paper. If it weren't for ishtarr who was there to accompany me, I would have been pissed off already and end up going up home rather than proceeding to the community intercession. Pretending things are okay. HeI'm not sure whether he knows that his actions really drive me nuts. I wish he would be more sensitive enough the next time around. That is, if there will be a next time.
Thursday, 28 December 2006
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It's 6:04 in the morning and for some good reasons, I can't get back to sleep. I've been reflecting on my feelings towards him. And since I can never express how much I long for him, I'll just write it all here and let my true feelings flow through my fingers.
I never thought that knowing you would be this fun. At first, I was hesitant. I kept ignoring you. It was just a waste of time, I thought. But you kept on texting me. And so I did I respond to your text messages. And everyday it became a habit. I' wake up in the morning, look at my phone, and see a text message from you. Your texts every morning, lunch, afternoon, even in the evening, complete my day. In the process of knowing you, I found a friend whom I can confide all of my feelings. The time when I was raging in anger because I failed my Math exam, you were there to help me gather up myself. For the times when we would just text each other of what we're doing. I never thought we would be this close. We started teasing each other. Well, it was just nothing to me. But as I've known you more and more, I knew that there is something more to this feeling I have for you. Is this mutual? I didn't know that time whether it is or it isn't. I was just blissful of the things that might happen. Or maybe those were just my illusions. You see, when I was at the peak of this so called "love fever", you started ignoring me. That was really painful for me. I've never been rejected ...and yet here you are, rejecting me for some reasons I don't know. I kept denying to myself that at least I didn't give in to these feeling. But I was wrong. Little did I know, everytime I see you and not being able to speak to you, was really heart breaking. I never shed a tear for you yet as I am writing this, I am crying . I really miss you. I diverted my attention to other things I know which are more important still I can never take you off my mind. In school, pretty boys are everywhere yet I still end up liking you. Why of all people, the one I choose to like is that one person who hurt me. There are a lot of other prospects out there, yet I focused myself on you. Pathetic, that's me. I had this filler just for you. The things that are written there are those of which I should have texted to you on that specific day. All those messages that meant a lot to me where all stored in a folder in my phone. When I was in a guitar shop, I bought a pik that was meant to be gift for you. And I still don't know whether to give it to you or not. And as I was compiling all of the pictures for this year, I realized that we had so many pictures together. See how pathetic I am. I am hopeless. I am helpless. How could I be so blind. I've known a lot of girls who have fallen for you yet end up getting hurt. And now, I'm one of them. A friendship has been wasted. I wish I could move on. Forget everything that has happened and start a new chapter in my life.
Psalm 147:3 May I find peace in Your Word.
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